Surviving the Dark Night of the Soul: My Journey Through Fear, Detachment, and Transformation

There was a time in my life when I thought I was losing my mind. Not in the way people casually say, but in a real, terrifying, existential way. I was slipping through the cracks of my own reality, and nothing felt stable anymore.

It’s called the Dark Night of the Soul, but when you’re in it, you don’t call it anything. You don’t have the words for it yet. You just know that something is wrong—deeply, terrifyingly wrong.

I felt like I was drowning

The Descent: When Reality Cracks

For me, it came on like a storm, and suddenly, everything familiar became foreign. I felt like I wasn’t really here—as if my body was some distant thing I was only loosely attached to. My thoughts weren’t my own, or at least they didn’t feel like they belonged to the person I thought I was. Extreme panic and fear became my constant companions. It was as if I had been stripped of all the illusions that once made life feel comfortable, and now I was left floating in the abyss.

There were moments when I was convinced I was dying, even though I wasn’t sick. Other times, I was sure I had already died, and this was some strange limbo where I was trapped between worlds. I questioned my sanity, my purpose, and whether I would ever feel normal again.

Everything I once relied on—my thoughts, my emotions, my sense of self—became unfamiliar. The world felt fake, like I was watching a movie rather than living inside it. Depersonalization, detachment, and existential terror were my new reality.

And the worst part? I had no idea how to make it stop.

The Deepest Fear: Losing Myself

No one talks about how spiritual awakenings can feel like death. People paint them as these beautiful, enlightening experiences, but before the light comes the darkness. Before the clarity, there is confusion. Before the breakthrough, there is breakdown.

I was detached from everything—my body, my identity, my life. Even the things I once loved felt distant. It was terrifying because there was no road map, no clear answer, and no way to go back.

The things that once brought me comfort didn’t work anymore. Meditation felt like falling into a black hole. Deep breathing didn’t calm me down; it made me more aware of how trapped I felt inside my own body. Talking to others only made me feel more alone because how do you explain to someone that you feel like you’re dissolving?

I thought I was losing myself. And I was. But not in the way I feared.

How I Found My Way Back

Healing wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t easy. But little by little, I started to find my way back to myself. Here’s what helped me climb out of that abyss:

1. Radical Self-Care

I had to completely rearrange my life. The way I had been living before wasn’t sustainable, and the Dark Night made sure I couldn’t ignore that any longer. I left behind the noise and chaos and moved to a small town in Arkansas, where I could breathe. Where I could just exist without feeling overstimulated. I cut out everything that felt like an obligation and only focused on what truly fed my soul.

2. Grounding Practices

When you feel detached from reality, grounding becomes everything. I walked barefoot on the earth, sat with trees, and learned to slow down. Meditation helped, even when it was difficult. Deep breathing, warm baths, herbal teas—anything that could remind me that I was still here.

3. Shadow Work and Surrender

I stopped fighting the darkness and started listening to it. What was it trying to show me? What parts of myself had I been avoiding? The Dark Night of the Soul strips away illusions, and if you resist, it only feels more painful. I had to surrender to the process and trust that I wasn’t being destroyed—I was being transformed.

4. Connecting with the Right People

Not everyone understands this journey, but the right people do. I found mentors, books, and teachings that reminded me I wasn’t crazy—I was awakening. If you’re going through this, know that you’re not alone. There is zero shame in therapy or coaching either! Who you exchange energy with become vital.

5. Embracing Medication as a Tool for Healing

In the spiritual community, there’s often a stigma around medication, as if needing medical support is somehow less "enlightened." But I believe that medication has its place in healing and should never be avoided simply because of spiritual ideals. During my darkest moments, I turned to medical support to help stabilize my nervous system. It didn’t dull my spiritual growth; it allowed me to function so I could actually integrate my healing. There is no shame in using every tool available to you. True spirituality includes honoring what your body and mind need, without judgment.

Lessons from the Darkness

1. You Are Not Dying, You Are Awakening The terror you feel is not the end—it’s the beginning. Your soul is shedding what no longer serves you.

   
   

2. Let Go of Who You Thought You Were The person you were before cannot guide you through this. You are transforming, and that means releasing old identities.

   
   

3. Fear is Not Your Enemy Fear is the gatekeeper of transformation. If you face it, you move forward. If you run from it, it chases you.

   
   

4. There is No Way to “Fix” This—Only to Move Through It The Dark Night isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a process to surrender to. The more you resist, the harder it feels.

   
   

5. Healing is Multifaceted, and Every Tool is Valid Whether it’s therapy, medication, energy work, or spiritual practice—all of it can coexist. True healing is holistic, and every individual’s path is unique.

   
   

The Other Side of Darkness

I won’t lie and say I woke up one day and everything was fine. Healing wasn’t linear. But I did come back, and when I did, I was different. Stronger. Wiser. Clearer. The fear that once consumed me was gone, replaced by a deep knowing that I had survived something sacred.

The Dark Night of the Soul is an initiation—a brutal one, but an initiation nonetheless. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re awakening. It means the old version of you is dying so that something more powerful can be reborn.

If you’re in it right now, I want you to know this: You will not be lost forever. You are shedding, transforming, and growing into something you can’t yet see. Hold on. Be gentle with yourself. The true you is emerging.

Much Love,

Una